so i haven’t written in awhile cause it has really been crunch time studying for the mcats, which means it makes sense to write this now right? when then test is 36 hrs away? right.

the experience of studying for the mcats has taught me a lot about myself, since i dont think ive ever applied myself to something with such patience, balance, and perseverance in my life.  but what ive learned most is that…

in 41 hours i will be done with my mcat and still loved by God more than i can comprehend

in 41 hours i will be done with my mcat and i will still be living in a ridiculously frustrating and self-centered country

in 41 hours i will be done with my mcat and my heart will still be in haiti

as much as i want to be a doctor to care for the poor, it kills me to be here right now, to be studying for a stupid exam while 1 million haitians are homeless right now.  1 million! that’s a ninth of the population! can you fathom 33 million americans being displaced by a storm? and it kills me to be focused on equations instead of helping win this swing state for the candidate that will treat those haitians, and others like them, decently.

and it all makes me wonder if i can become a doctor, whether it will be worth it in the end.  whether there’s a quicker-but-just-as-effective way to love the poor.  and my hope is that God will find me a medical school where i can be living and serving the poor at the same time, because i simply will not survive 4 years in suburbia or academia.  my soul and my hope will most definitely perish.

and so it is that the mcat has become the most anticlimactic event in my life.  when i started studying 2.5 months ago i couldnt fall asleep because i would think about the studying, and now i cant sleep because i cry for suffering that i cant alleviate and close-mindedness i cant reason with.  the world is crumbling in inequality and absurdity, and my hope is dissipating.  but i’ll hold onto melin and chelie and marie-love in my prayers and mind, and pray that they’re still there when i get back.  that they dont think i’ve deserted them.  that this studying will help them someday.