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the observation room

March 4, 2009
 

behind the glass
a shirt with stripes
short hair swept to the side

two unmatched socks
a bright-eyed smile
her painful story hides

with guilty eyes
i fix my stare
deceive her honesty

but then her words
with innocence
invade not her but me

the gibberish
and inside jokes
that always cast some out

the perfect frame
not yet fucked up
but serpents whisper doubt

the muted mouths
and huddled groups
she sinks down in her chair

the colored bands
that serve to match
not styles, but their stares

so brave and bold
her dancing smile
answers cold, hard lines

i fight the urge
to pound the glass
to warn her of a time

when bracelets, they
are traded in
for blades and blood and sting

when beauty comes
at one low price
of only everything

when feeling loved
means darkened rooms
a stranger calls you his

here your glasses
blur the night
forgetting all that is

your future self
she holds her breath
pleads ‘jesus’ on her knees

but even now
at twenty-two
feels pain like she’s fourteen.

h1

sitting in a rocking chair

January 21, 2009

 

i’ll tell my grandchildren,

about a morning where the mackerel sky from my balcony looked more beautiful than ive ever seen it

about a morning when i peered through my neighbor’s window to greet him, chuckling as he tells me he’s been watching since dawn

about a morning when i gazed through my tv, along with the entire world, at a podium on grand white steps, above a sea of confetti crowds

on this morning my faith in, and hope for, humanity was restored.  the house-meeting and door-knocking and data-entering and ballot-filling and prayer-casting had all been carried by the winds of history, flitting down exactly where they were meant to land. 

and despite pockets of ignorance amidst the ceremony, the morning was pure bliss.  the most beautiful music i’ve ever heard played in the crisp washington air as the clock struck noon, and he became president not with words from human mouths but from the cries of our hearts that sang through the violin strings.

and then he took the stage and spoke what we were all thinking, but with more eloquence, grace, and humility than i could ever muster.

                  the time has come to set aside childish things

                                we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals

      our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint

                               we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect

And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world’s resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it.

 

all of these and more gave life to my soul, as justice and mercy skipped into the light, and divisive, exploitive fear cowered below them. 

and then another spark of life, in the form of a prayer, reminded me that i am not alone in my experience of God.  with his raspy, weary voice, his wisdom pleaded to my ears

With your hands of power and your heart of love, help us then, now, Lord, to work for that day when nations shall not lift up sword against nation, when tanks will be beaten into tractors, when every man and every woman shall sit under his or her own vine and fig tree and none shall be afraid, when justice will roll down like waters and righteousness as a mighty stream.

Lord, in the memory of all the saints who from their labors rest, and in the joy of a new beginning, we ask you to help us work for that day when black will not be asked to get in back, when brown can stick around … when yellow will be mellow … when the red man can get ahead, man; and when white will embrace what is right. That all those who do justice and love mercy say Amen.

 and then more words to comfort my soul.  these words not raspy and withered but pointed and poignant. they ask,

What if the mightiest word is love, love beyond marital, filial, national. Love that casts a widening pool of light. Love with no need to preempt grievance.

and i shiver with gratitude that these words can mark this day for me, where i have none.  and i feel to my core that in today’s sharp sparkle, this winter air, anything can be made, any sentence begun.

any sentence begun. 

how about one with guantanamo, moratorium, and tribunals.

done. 

and as the sun sets in the mackerel sky, my soul sighs, knowing that there is hope that a world will still exist to fill with grandchildren, to crouch at my feet, and listen to this story,

sitting in a rocking chair.

h1

changing of the guards

January 3, 2009

i love new years.  i love being able to look back on the previous year and reflect on it as a whole…see the ways in which God worked in me, the new ways i experienced life, and the mistakes i can learn from.

2008 was the year…

i graduated from college
i took my mcats
i started living completely on my own
death claimed a loved one for the 3rd consecutive year
i overcame my demon, once and for all
i took part in my first 2 political campaigns
i voted for my first president
i helped elect the first african-american president in the history of the united states
God taught me balance
colorado felt like home
i made a few of my worst mistakes
met my soulmate, in the form of a two-year-old
God provided jobs, housing, and opportunities
i worked my first manual labor job
i turned twenty-two
God loved me even when i was selfish

2009 will, God-willing, be the year i…

apply to medical school
go back to haiti
choose mercy over justice
run a marathon
finally tell the truth when the dentist asks how often i floss
reclaim my delight in simple joys
become fluent in french
work hard at my bucket list
let God direct my steps
find beauty in transitions and transience
pause and think before i speak
enjoy life sober (this sounds more serious than it is)
document life better

 

thank you God that i get to experience another year of life.  this gift is not lost on me.  rip jenny.

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how to save a life

December 19, 2008

elouise, 86.

elizabeth, 91.

roy, 95.

jenny, 19.

 

19.

 

there was an hour two years ago that god let my mind wrap itself around death, but that glimpse of eternity and life and death and love and loss and grief and joy and meaning has slowly faded. and i hold on to the fact that i know that hour existed, even though i can’t recreate it.  yet my mind is met with the same incongruities as before…why? what if?  WHY? how could you god? what if she didnt like that band? what if we never moved here? how can someone who is so alive in my memories be nothing but dust right now? how does the fabric of my lifeline exist when another lifeline that made up parts of mine doesn’t?  my mind maps out the times in my life where our paths crossed, where our sparks of life shared each other’s light for the same moments.  the memories of our jumping on the trampoline and of robert’s antics feel so real, like i could stop and shake her and tell her she only had 3 years left…that she would never marry or have kids or graduate college or…or…but then she disappears.
 

 

honey i know god is good so i know there’s gotta be a better place for you.  we miss you terribly and i feel guilty for living while you dont and i cant grasp that you’re gone and …. godspeed.  that’s all i can say.  godspeed my dear. 
 

 

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grounded

November 28, 2008

it heals, strengthens, and challenges me with each step

the coolness rushes through my fingertips

it’s dirty yet it cleanses and calms

it stays cool and serene, even as the concrete creeps nearby.

the cars stampede and the buildings boast with formidable spirits,

yet the soil stays.

the soil stays serene,

not unaware of the urban madness encroaching,

but serene nonetheless.

knowing that only peace conquers power,

only serenity, speed.

it is the quiet stillness of the soil,

with all of its wonderful imperfections and collage of colors,

that beckons me.

beckons me away from the grandeur of the sky,

and the tall pride of the trees.

beckons me to touch and smell it’s beauty, as if i would not believe otherwise.

made up only of the lowly,

and yet this beauty overlooked gives life to all around it,

even to that which threatens it.

and as the serenity of creation flows through our circuit,

i feel at home.

i hear the whisper that we’ve met before,

and i know it’s true.

the stillness of the soil has always been there,

if i only reach down and hug it,

consider its contours,

soak in the stillness,

the grace of the ground.

h1

i now pronounce you…unequal

November 5, 2008

today i stood next to men and women who love their husband or wife far more than my parents do

they adore each other, support each other, and have been together for decades

i saw dozens of smiling faces, who, in the midst of fighting for their right to marry the person they love, had no harsh words for those who judged them

“but don’t they have all the rights they need?” she asks

why don’t you ask them? oh wait, you’ve never listened to their side.

you’ve never seen the tears in their eyes when they think of their marriage being nullified.

you’ve never peered into their world, where they are looked upon as perversions of the earth.

you’ve never held his arm in comfort after a woman tells him he caused hiv.

you’ve never considered suicide because God must have made a mistake on you.

 

no, you never listen, only proscribe. never listen, just keep reciting those five damn lines. 

and you never reflect, on the flaws of your own marriage, on the divorce rates in the church, on the pornography addiction in your own home.  because you aren’t the pervert.  the freak.  your feelings are legitimate, never theirs.  how could those freaks know what love is?

 

please, continue to rejoice that you destroyed holy unions of love and support, while poverty and war destroy the rest of the world.  you are so relevant.

 

let him who is without sin cast the first stone.

h1

damn commies

October 29, 2008

so in news lately, mccain and other conservatives have been accusing obama of wanting to “redistribute wealth”…like it’s a bad thing.  damn that socialist who wants wealth to be more fairly shared by society!  how dare he decrease inequality!

anyways, i was going to write a long post about how great many aspects of socialist and communist philosophy are….but i’ve decided to leave it at this:

“Let the man who has two tunics share with him who has none; and let him who has food do likewise.”-Luke 3:11

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when rubber hits the road

September 17, 2008

as a college student [whoa this is in past tense], the biggest lifestyle choices i made for justice were becoming vegan, buying only used goods, trying to get as much food from farmers markets as possible, and walking or bus-ing almost always…and each of those were difficult, but as they became routine, they became great sources of joy

but grown-up life poses some new challenges…stronger temptations. 

 

my dream is to become a doctor, and my parents would have paid for an mcat test prep course. 

          but God reminded me of my friends who can’t afford those. 

my graduation gift from my parents was a new car, which was very generous. 

       but God reminded me of my friends in Haiti who walk across mountains and valleys with baskets on their heads, and if necessary, pile 20 into the back of a tap tap.

my parents helped me open a retirement account, and wanted me to put it in a mutual fund.

       but God pressed my heart to be steadfast in detracting myself from the economy of injustice and greed.

 

and what surprised me the most was how all three of these things were so tempting.  even after 2 years as an ids major, a broken heart in long beach and haiti, and an award that says i’m more courageous than that.  but they were also so very exciting, because i no longer critique the “real world” from a college student’s theoretical bubble, but from the position of a (young) adult stepping out on her own, committed to opting out of injustice and into holistic love.  it’s exciting to see the temptations come…and pass…and seeing the beauty of God that remains in their absence.

and while the next 3 months will prove extremely interesting as the first completely independent months of my life, the training wheels God gave me this summer have equipped me well.  in the big temptations, and more importantly, in the smallest, most insiduously ordinary choices, remember the poor.

h1

September 11, 2008

so i haven’t written in awhile cause it has really been crunch time studying for the mcats, which means it makes sense to write this now right? when then test is 36 hrs away? right.

the experience of studying for the mcats has taught me a lot about myself, since i dont think ive ever applied myself to something with such patience, balance, and perseverance in my life.  but what ive learned most is that…

in 41 hours i will be done with my mcat and still loved by God more than i can comprehend

in 41 hours i will be done with my mcat and i will still be living in a ridiculously frustrating and self-centered country

in 41 hours i will be done with my mcat and my heart will still be in haiti

as much as i want to be a doctor to care for the poor, it kills me to be here right now, to be studying for a stupid exam while 1 million haitians are homeless right now.  1 million! that’s a ninth of the population! can you fathom 33 million americans being displaced by a storm? and it kills me to be focused on equations instead of helping win this swing state for the candidate that will treat those haitians, and others like them, decently.

and it all makes me wonder if i can become a doctor, whether it will be worth it in the end.  whether there’s a quicker-but-just-as-effective way to love the poor.  and my hope is that God will find me a medical school where i can be living and serving the poor at the same time, because i simply will not survive 4 years in suburbia or academia.  my soul and my hope will most definitely perish.

and so it is that the mcat has become the most anticlimactic event in my life.  when i started studying 2.5 months ago i couldnt fall asleep because i would think about the studying, and now i cant sleep because i cry for suffering that i cant alleviate and close-mindedness i cant reason with.  the world is crumbling in inequality and absurdity, and my hope is dissipating.  but i’ll hold onto melin and chelie and marie-love in my prayers and mind, and pray that they’re still there when i get back.  that they dont think i’ve deserted them.  that this studying will help them someday.

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blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth

August 24, 2008

 

it is in the meek that i see the face of God.

it is in the beauty of simplicity that i see wisps of God’s kingdom in the air.

it is in the spirit of peace that i feel love’s radiance humble me.

it is through art that i breathe in God, as her creative light glints through the prism of my soul.

and tonight i pray

that we might look towards the meek, the peaceful, the simple to inspire our lives,

and in doing so, intertwine with the spirit of God that dwells in humility.